If Teachers Were Brutally Honest on Their Resumes


If Teachers Were Brutally Honest on Their Resumes

The job listings for teachers are quite clear: Schools want teachers with impeccable engagement strategies, a spotless criminal record, fluency in multiple languages, and training in every acronymed program possible, from experience in RTI to SIOP to AVID. Teachers tailor their resumes to fit these requirements, hoping to present themselves as the perfect candidate.

But what if teachers made honest resumes? What if we put all of the unspoken realities that our teaching experiences have really been like? It would definitely make the interviews a little more fun!


An Honest Kindergarten Teacher Resume:

SANDRA GOODY
Read-Aloud Expert and Herder of Tiny Humans

EDUCATION:

  • Bachelor’s Degree (half a lifetime of debt)
  • Master’s Degree (full lifetime of debt)

EXPERIENCE:

  • Constantly juggling about 18 different tasks at once
  • Being a teacher, a mediator, a nurse, a cheerleader, a counselor, a coach, an investigator, and an entertainer simultaneously every day
  • Being accidentally called Mom 73 times a day
  • Dislodging random objects from a children’s nostrils and ears
  • Teaching kids to be kind to each other
  • Tying unexplainably wet shoelaces
  • Searching for missing glue stick caps
  • Getting interrupted all day every day to hear things from students like “My sister’s favorite color is turquoise”, followed by another student responding “Well, MY third favorite Disney character is Elsa!”
  • Sanitizing everything, all the time
  • Saying things like, “Please don’t lick your desk!” and “The glue sticks are not chapstick!”
  • Professional googly eye sticker
  • Managing to pull off school recitals with only one bottle of ibuprofen.

SKILLS:

  • Superhuman ability to break up a fight over crayons while tying shoelaces, while opening up a milk carton, while calming a crying child, and cleaning vomit off my shoes in the first 5 minutes of the day
  • Getting into character with every read aloud at a broadway performer-level
  • Remembering the names, favorite colors, and favorite animals of all of my students
  • Expert at GoNoodle & Koo Koo Kanga Roo dances
  • Getting 5-year-olds to grow a love for reading books

WEAKNESSES:

  • Getting the tiny humans to stay in a single file line… like ever
  • Disney movies… I cry every time during every single one
  • Target Dollar Spot
  • Forgetting to turn off my teacher voice after work


An Honest Elementary/Middle School Teacher Resume:

ANTONIO MARTINEZ
Children’s Book Connoisseur and Creator of “Aha” Moments

EDUCATION:

  • BA in Liberal Arts… aka I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do yet
  • MA in Education… aka I chose to take out even more student loans to pursue a profession with a salary that would never allow me to pay them off
  • Several other certifications that make my resume look better but don’t make me any more money
  • Student lectures on Tik Tok and the meaning of the sound “sksksksksksksksk”

EXPERIENCE:

  • Having every haircut and wardrobe scrutinized and judged by pre-teens
  • Getting last-minute lessons from Teachers Pay Teachers
  • Listening to 9-year-olds explain video games (and understanding nothing)
  • Answering inappropriate questions
  • Busting slime trafficking rings
  • Preparing students for standardized tests
  • Praying the morning of standardized tests
  • Monitoring standardized tests
  • Cussing over the number of standardized tests each year
  • Dominating foursquare at recess
  • Secretly competing with other teachers for the best bulletin board… each month… and holiday… and seasonal change
  • Attempting to use new pop culture slang unsuccessfully
  • Embracing the Fortnite dance flash mobs in my classroom
  • Did I mention standardized tests?

SKILLS:

  • Laminating all the things.
  • Eating lunch in less than two minutes, sometimes without even chewing
  • Reading and writing upside down
  • Fluent in Ubbi Dubbi and Pig Latin (or is that a weakness?)
  • Knowing the names of every Marvel hero and Fortnite dance
  • Superpower for knowing if a kid needs glasses
  • Making sure all my kids know my classroom is a safe place
  • Mastering the creation of “aha” moments
  • Remembering and executing unique handshakes with every student, even previous students from years ago
  • Designing the optimal seating charts that follow student plans, separates friends, maintains morale, and is good for everyone

WEAKNESSES:

  • Forgetting to drink my coffee before it gets cold
  • The “Baby Shark” song
  • Leaving school before it’s dark out
  • Redirecting random children misbehaving in public


An Honest High School Teacher Resume:

MAKAYLA WILLIAMS
Multitasking Ninja and Queen of the Teacher Look

EDUCATION:

  • 4-year degree that made me broke
  • Another 2-year degree that made me even more broke
  • Over 3,000 hours of PD I’ll probably never use
  • 16,952 staff meetings that could have been emails
  • Teaching certification because I wasn’t broke enough, I guess

EXPERIENCE:

  • Inspiring kids who only read memes and text messages to open a real book occasionally
  • Avoiding being hit by students in the parking lot who probably should have failed their driver’s license test
  • Confiscating iPhones… and iPads… and Apple watches… and AirPods… what’s next Apple?!
  • Deciphering the latest pop culture references and trends
  • Saying, “Are you kidding me?” at least 84 times a day.
  • Being asked, at the end of the year, “Is there anything I can do for extra credit?”
  • Making young adults understand they’re responsible for their actions
  • Making my students believe in themselves

SKILLS:

  • Bladder control
  • Responding kindly to emotional parent emails
  • Sneaking candy out of my secret candy stash during class without students noticing
  • Grading 120 papers per hour
  • TikTok dances
  • Quieting down a classroom with THE teacher look
  • Giving sassy responses to students who ask, “Can we just do nothing today?”
  • Never giving up on students that everyone has counted out until they’ve crossed the stage at graduation
  • Preparing the world’s new leaders and essential workers, even if that thought is daunting at times

WEAKNESSES:

  • Copy machines – they’re my arch-nemesis
  • Axe Bodyspray – triggers my gag reflex
  • Struggling to keep my eyes open during staff meetings
  • Whispering WTF to myself multiple times a day
  • Sub plans – they’re the worst

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If Teachers Were Brutally Honest on Their Resumes

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Iris Planchet

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