20 Hysterical Things That Teachers Have Actually Said

1. “Stop licking the walls!”

Really there’s no end to the things we teachers tell children to stop licking. Walls, computer screens, each other… the list is fairly endless.

2. “Yes sharing is good, but not when it comes to boogers.”

It’s always heartwarming when students absorb a lesson you’ve been teaching them, but it never seems to take long for them to pervert it in the grossest way possible.

3. “No, I cannot ‘round’ your 50 up to an A.”

Students really can be eternally optimistic sometimes. Of course, we don’t mind helping out the occasional student who’s earned it… but there are limits.

4. “No one is leaving this room unless they’re bleeding or puking!”

It never fails; one student asks to go to the bathroom and soon you have a stampede on your hands. There comes a point where you just have to put your foot down and take a stand.

5. “How did you manage to get a staple embedded in your finger?”

It’s always amazing how students invent new and interesting ways to injure themselves. Staples, tape dispensers, paper clips. You name it, if there is any way possible to hurt yourself with it, students will discover it.

6. “Why are you smelling her?“

The concept of personal space is just lost on some kids, and when you combine that with natural curiosity as they discover the world around them… you get some really weird moments.

7. “I just gave you a pencil 10 minutes ago!”

A student will ask for a pencil, and 10 minutes later ask for another one. Where did the first one go? What’s scarier, the fact that the student lost the pencil or that they don’t know where it currently is?

8. “You can’t use that excuse! I invented that excuse!”

Kids will try anything to get with… well… everything. What they don’t seem to realize is that there is very little that’s new under the sun. Odds are if they are trying to pull one over on you, you either tried the same thing when you were in school, or you know someone who did.

9. “Yes that’s a wonderful drawing, but why is it all over your math test?”

The artistic ability some students have is truly delightful. It’s less delightful though when you realize they just wasted their entire test time doodling instead of actually, you know, taking the test.

10. “No, you can’t get pregnant from kissing.”

The bevy of bizarre questions science teachers get asked could be an article all by itself. The questions get truly weird when you start discussing anything remotely sexual.

11. “Yes it’s true, Uranus smells like frozen farts.”

Sometimes you just have to accept that certain things will always be funny. Researchers have in fact discovered that the most infamous of all the planets is composed of, amongst other things, frozen methane gas. Methane on Earth is most commonly found coming out the back end of cows. Hey, you gotta keep things interesting right? 

12. “You’re close, but an octopus has 8 tentacles.

You never know when one innocent slip of the tongue will lead to uproarious laughter.

13. “If you’re going to try to cheat, at least be good at it.”

As long as there are tests and quizzes, there will be students who try to cheat on them. Unfortunately for them, most of them are really, really bad at it.

14. “No, you are not allowed to wear your Chewbacca mask all day.”

Sometimes you just don’t know what goes through a child’s mind. Sometimes they just show up in costume, in the middle of February, for absolutely no reason.

15. “OK everyone, let’s all go to the hall until she puts her clothes back on.”

Everyone deals with stress differently. Some students get quiet, others get angry… some strip off their clothes and run around naked.

16. “No, I don’t know what the 7th largest reptile in the world is.”

Students love asking questions, and as teachers we love answering them… right up until they start asking questions we don’t know. Thank goodness Google exists.

17. “Why were you even holding scissors? This is a writing assignment!”

It’s perfectly OK for some students to hold or manipulate something to help them stop being so fidgety. It’s a little disturbing when that item also doubles as a potential weapon.

18. “Those books work a lot better when they’re open.”

If you’re trying to pretend that you’re doing your work, it helps if the book is at least open. Preferably to the right page.

19. “Gentlemen if you don’t know how to aim, please sit when you pee.”

Bathrooms in schools could double as toxic waste dumps. Do children make this much of a mess in their bathrooms at home?

20. “No, I was not alive when Abraham Lincoln was president.”

No matter how mathematically advanced students are, they all seem to be really bad at calculating how old we are, and what moments in history we were present for.

20 Hysterical Things That Teachers Have Actually Said

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David Rode

Veteran Legend

I'm currently a Middle School Math Teacher which means I'm also a glutton for punishment. Honestly though, I am keenly aware that Middle School is basically the worst 3 years in the life of a child, so it's my mission to make it suck less. I'm also a musician, a community theater, Dad to two amazing children, and I don't get a lot of sleep.

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