LAUGH
Teaching is definitely not a profession for the frail. Every day, teachers are faced with new challenges and forces that try to knock them off their game. Here are some conditions and “illnesses” only experienced by teachers. If you find yourself suffering from symptoms of any of these ailments, contact the school nurse right away. If your school doesn’t have a nurse due to budget cuts, try slapping a dusty bandaid on it from your desk drawer.
1. Pencilitis
What is Pencilitis?
The feeling of dread when you buy hundreds of pencils with your own money and they all go missing, never to be seen again.
Pencilitis Symptoms
Crying, sulking, abnormal behavior such as diving into the custodian’s dust piles in search of pencils stubs, extreme denial of how much you spend on pencils each year, and constant suspicion of a conspiracy that the Bermuda Triangle is somewhere in your classroom.
2. Teacher Browsy
What is Teacher Browsy?
The condition of leaving school with your face stuck in a death glare with one eyebrow permanently locked in the raised position.
Teacher Browsy Symptoms
Resting grumpy look, facial cramping, and frightening your children.
3. Irrational Sub Plan Behavior
What is Irrational Sub Plan Behavior?
The tendency to wait until you’re near death to write sub plans and take a day off.
Irrational Sub Plan Behavior Symptoms
Sickness denial, exhaustion, chronic cold symptoms, and a stubborn belief that fighting through it will keep you from having to write a sub plan.
4. Educator’s Foot
What is Educator’s Foot?
A deep, aching numbness of the feet typically experienced by teachers at the end of the first day of school.
Educator’s Foot Symptoms
Throbbing in the heel or ball of the foot, blisters, extreme regret, and/or an unreasonable desire to burn or otherwise destroy one’s shoes.
5. Field Trip Vertigo
What is Field Trip Vertigo?
Dizziness experienced by teachers from doing a thousand head-counts, nonstop for 6 hours straight during a field trip.
Field Trip Vertigo Symptoms
Pounding headache, whirling, constantly hearing the sound of numbers repeating over and over in your head for a period of several days after.
6. Fad-asthma
What is Fad-asthma?
Shortness of breath from trying to keep up with the latest student fads.
Fad-asthma Symptoms
Constant confusion, feeling old, shaking the head, and wondering what you’ll have to confiscate next.
7. Whitebaud’s Phenomenon
What is Whitebaud’s Phenomenon?
The constant discoloration of the fingertips from whiteboard markers.
Whitebaud’s Phenomenon Symptoms
Finger stains that don’t come off with basic hand soap, looking like your fingerprints were just taken by the police, and smelling like a gray cubicle.
8. Teacher Throat
What is Teacher Throat?
The inability to speak above a hoarse whisper, usually occurring near the end of the first week of school.
Teacher Throat Symptoms
Dry or scratchy throat, sounding like a frog or a very old man, and/or wishing you hadn’t spent all week projecting your voice after talking to no one all summer.
9. Teacher Glare-ingitis
What is Teacher Glare-ingitis?
The compulsion to redirect random children in public a single death stare.
Teacher Glare-ingitis Symptoms
Using the “teacher look” on kids running or misbehaving in public.
10. TikTokulitis
What is TikTokulitis?
Severe headaches caused by students constantly getting out of their seats to show off the latest trending TikTok dance move.
TikTokulitis Symptoms
Frustration, deja vu, migraine, loss of voice from yelling at students to SIT DOWN!
11. Obsessive Lamination Disorder
What is Obsessive Lamination Disorder?
The uncontrollable desire to laminate all the things in your classroom.
Obsessive Lamination Disorder Symptoms
A deep longing for the faint smell of burnt plastic film and a classroom with everything covered in lamination.
12. Hand Raise Hallucinations
What are Hand Raise Hallucinations?
The feeling that you just saw someone raise their hand—at a party, on a walk, at the doctor’s office, etc.
Hand Raise Hallucinations Symptoms
Hyper observance, interpreting any movement of the arm that you see out of the corner of your eye as a hand raise, and/or calling on people at the dinner table.
13. Staff Meeting Fatigue
What is Staff Meeting Fatigue?
The wave of exhaustion that sweeps over you during the every staff meeting.
Staff Meeting Fatigue Symptoms
Extreme sleepiness, involuntary snoring, and having a sudden, desperate desire for the cold cup of coffee you left on your desk this morning.
14. Impulsive Hoodie Disorder
What is Impulsive Hoodie Disorder?
The unreasonable desire to enforce school hat/hood rules in public places outside of work.
Impulsive Hoodie Disorder Symptoms
Employing the teacher voice on non-students, remarking passive-aggressively that said people are wearing a hood, and/or yanking hoods off of people’s heads in random public places.
15. Chronic State Testing Stress
What is Chronic State Testing Stress?
The constant strain and anxiety experienced in the months leading up to state testing.
Chronic State Testing Stress Symptoms
Testing nightmares, skittishness, and an uncontrollable urge to reteach curriculum students learned several grades earlier.
16. End of the Year Amnesia
What is End of the Year Amnesia?
An unreasonable feeling of fondness for your students, typically experienced after they leave on the last day of school.
End of the Year Amnesia Symptoms
Forgetting every hard day from the year, believing your students were little angels this year, and missing them all summer long.
17. Parents in Public Phobia
What is Parents in Public Phobia?
The uncontrollable reflex to run or hide when you see the parents of students in public places.
Parents in Public Phobia Symptoms
Staring in the opposite direction, pretending to be someone else, and/or diving behind your cart or the nearest clothing rack to avoid eye contact.
