We’re not saying it’s easy to make it through a day of elementary school teaching, but here are a few steps to take for a (moderately) successful day.

  1. Wake up two hours earlier than you’d like to and mentally begin preparing yourself for an impending sense of doom.
  2. Acquire coffee.
  3. Consume coffee.
  4. Repeat Steps 2 and 3 until both of your eyelids remain open at the same time.
  5. Gather up all the papers you didn’t grade the night before and load them into your 2005 Ford Focus.
  6. As you drive to school, remind yourself that this is your last time to cry until the end of the day, so take advantage of that as needed.
  7. Once you’re in your classroom, make sure your agenda, objectives, essential questions, standards, inspirational quotes and calendars are all up to date.
  8. When the bell rings, prepare to greet students at your door.
  9. Realize that you forgot to eat breakfast and lunch isn’t for another four hours.
  10. Realize that you forgot to pee and your first break doesn’t happen until lunch.
  11. As your students walk in, try to answer 8 questions from 8 students at the same time ranging from “What are we doing today?” to “What is your 3rd favorite color?”
  12. Take attendance.
  13. As you’re taking attendance, notice the new student that appeared out of nowhere.
  14. Attempt to find a place for the new student to sit and get them acclimated while simultaneously engaging your other students in an activity to stave off pandemonium.
  15. Remind yourself to email the school secretary and ask about the new student.
  16. Begin the instructional part of your day by telling the class what they’ll be doing today.
  17. Now do it again because half of them weren’t listening.
  18. Repeat steps 16 and 17 until either you’re fairly sure the majority of students heard you or you start to lose your voice… your choice.
  19. Begin with your first lesson of the day.
  20. Get students actively engaged in the lesson.
  21. Sit back and marvel at how well your carefully crafted lesson plan is going, noting that your students are working collaboratively for the first time in weeks.
  22. Watch the class descend into chaos when the fire drill starts five minutes into your lesson.
  23. Line up your students and walk them to their designated fire drill location.
  24. Walk backward through the halls to ensure that no students wander off.
  25. Return to the classroom and attempt to pick up the lesson from where you left off.
  26. Realize there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell that’s going to happen.
  27. Tell a student to stop licking the walls.
  28. Tell another student to stop licking his desk.
  29. Create a new classroom rule that no one is allowed to lick anything ever again inside your classroom.
  30. Concede the point that students would be able to lick popsicles if they were having a party in class after a student who will one day become a lawyer asks the question.
  31. Answer the phone.
  32. Allow a student to use the bathroom.
  33. Allow another student to use the bathroom.
  34. Repeat steps 32 and 33 because you have now created a bathroom conga line that every student feels compelled to participate in.
  35. Try to get students back on track by beginning the math lesson for the day.
  36. Answer the phone.
  37. Refocus the students who went completely bonkers when you weren’t actively talking to them during the 20 seconds you were on the phone.
  38. Tell students to sit down after they all for some reason stood and started packing up simultaneously.
  39. Wonder to yourself how it’s possible that none of your students can read a clock, yet they all know when it’s two minutes until lunchtime.
  40. Walk your students to the cafeteria.
  41. Walk backwards through the halls to ensure no one wanders off
  42. Remind students they are not allowed to knock on other classroom doors to say hello to their friends as they walk by.
  43. Knock on a classroom door to say hello to your teacher friend as you walk by.
  44. Smile at the irony.
  45. Drop students off at the cafeteria and quickly run to the bathroom.
  46. Go back to your classroom and attempt to eat lunch and grade papers at the same time.
  47. Answer the phone.
  48. Tell the administrator at the other end of the phone call that you’ll be at the meeting you forgot about in three minutes.
  49. Sit through a meeting.
  50. Pick your kids up from the cafeteria and walk them back to class.
  51. Remember that you never really got around to eating your lunch.
  52. Begin the afternoon with a hands-on activity to engage the students.
  53. Remind students about the rules regarding personal space and using classroom supplies.
  54. Watch in horror as no student applies any of the rules you just gave them.
  55. Console a crying child with glue in his hair.
  56. Attempt to find the student who put glue in the crying student’s hair.
  57. Send crying child to the nurse after they admit they put the glue in their own hair and now they want it out.
  58. Say hello to the principal as they enter your room for an impromptu observation.
  59. Attempt to discretely re-organize your room so it looks more like a classroom and less like a war zone.
  60. Attempt to telepathically communicate to your students that you would really appreciate it if they could be on their best behavior while the principal is visiting.
  61. Answer the phone.
  62. Answer a question a student has asked about the lesson they were just working on.
  63. Feel a sense of pride and accomplishment that a student asked an appropriate follow-up question and explain it succinctly and precisely.
  64. Answer the same question again when another student asks.
  65. Answer it again.
  66. Answer it a fourth time.
  67. Quickly change the subject before you contemplate a career change.
  68. As you approach the end of the day assign the homework for tonight.
  69. Realize you never collected the homework from last night and still haven’t graded the homework from two weeks ago.
  70. Make sure every student has their backpack and all of the clothes they were wearing when they walked in this morning.
  71. Attempt to locate one student’s missing sock.
  72. Find the sock on the top shelf of your bookcase.
  73. Do not question how the sock got there.
  74. Say goodbye to your students as they go home for the day.
  75. Sit down at your desk and attempt to salvage what’s left of your lunch.
  76. Pack up the same pile of ungraded papers from this morning and prepare to head home for the day.
  77. Finally, email the school secretary and ask about the new student.
Survive a day of elementary teaching in 77 easy steps