Real Talk
I have a decade of teaching experience under my belt. I spent my 20s’ forging a path in the classroom. I furthered my commitment with a Master’s degree and a decent reputation for myself in my district. You would think that I’d feel a sense of peace and stability as I reach my milestone tenth year. Instead, I feel this looming feeling that this isn’t my “forever job” — which may sound crazy except to anyone but my fellow teachers.
I do love my job (well, parts of it), but I can’t see myself doing this for 30+ years. Things are changing in education, and not in a good way. I have witnessed a decline in teacher autonomy over the past decade. I’ve witnessed a downward trend that can only result in teachers having even less control than they already do. I see an increase in student behavior issues, and I feel my grip on all of it loosening.
I spend more time staring at a computer screen while entering data, and less time providing instruction. The worst part? There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m working under a budget that continues tightening and taxpayers that won’t vote in my favor. I’m working under admin that are feeling the pressure from the state, and working for a state that’s hyper-focused on test scores. I’m replying in apps, calling parents, organizing extracurriculars, breaking up fights, and putting out fires all day. The pressure is coming from all angles and the more time that passes, the more my pressure cooker implodes.
I find myself fighting the urge to leave the profession, and feeling like it’s “now or never”. I’ll only become more invested, older, more swayed by my growing retirement and benefits. I weigh the pros and cons every day. I know I can power through a little while longer, but twenty more years seems like forever. This may sound harsh, but working in education sometimes feels like a sinking ship, and life feels too short not to take the plunge.
In talking with other teachers, I know that this is not an epidemic that plagues only my school and district. We’re all struggling. I could try another school, another city, another role within my expertise, but that won’t change the environment. I find myself more tired, more depleted, more hopeless with each passing year. I wonder if I’m doing my students a disservice by showing up with a heart that’s not always in it anymore. The students are the only reason I’m still here — but there comes a point when I have to question what this work is doing to me. When I think of what the past 10 years have held, I wonder if I can handle that times two in my future. Right now? The answer feels like a resounding “no”. I’m at the point where the thought of switching careers both terrifies and excites me. The thought of working somewhere where I’m only responsible for MY job and not responsible for a classroom full of unique needs and personalities sounds like a relief.
I love what I’m able to offer as a teacher — there is no more worthy cause than our youth, right? Except I’m starting to feel like I don’t make the difference that I once did, working under a mile-long list of restrictions. My potential is hiding somewhere under stacks of ungraded papers. My time-management skills went out the window years ago when I realized I’d never, ever catch up on my to-do list. I’ve felt in a constant state of panic at work for some time, and I’m really feeling the mental and physical effects of that on my body. Twenty more years of this? I fear I won’t make it.
I’m at a crossroads in my teaching journey. Do I stay or do I go? Do I focus on the pension and benefits and schedule that allow me a certain level stability and ability to be with my family? Even if I feel myself slipping into a shell of the person I used to be?
Or do I go? Do I take the plunge in hopes of bettering my quality of life? Even with the uncertainty that comes with it? I’m in my thirties and it feels like this would be the time to reconsider this path in education that I am on — before things get even more serious. I think I know the answer. I have loved this job for years, but the truth is, I don’t feel good about where this is heading. Sadly, I can’t see myself as a teacher, in this educational climate, for 30+ years.
