When she’s not “starring” in poorly received documentaries or wearing very large hats, First Lady Melania Trump occasionally will offer her opinions on various agendas and initiatives. Her latest push centers around AI and its place in the classroom. According to an op-ed she wrote for Fox News, Melania suggested that AI would be better for students than actual teachers because AI “provides access to an elite education — the highest level of human knowledge.” Basically, AI is great because it knows everything (sounds a lot like your average teenager).

FLOTUS recently doubled down on her desire to force feed AI to American students  by walking into a press conference with an actual walking (sort of), talking (kind of) robot that she envisions could one day replace teachers all together. The robot introduced itself as ‘Figure 03’ and said it was here to “empower students with technology and education”. But what would happen if the robot, nicknamed Plato, actually did step in for educators and give this whole teaching thing a try?

1. First thing students will do? Draw all over it or destroy that thing.

I mean right off the bat the first thing a child is going to see when it looks at that large, white robot is a brand, new place to display their latest masterpiece. And that’s if Plato is lucky enough to have a classroom full of adorable, small children. In middle school that thing would be covered with “anatomically correct” sketches within the first 5 minutes, an array of moustaches and who knows what else. In high school? Well let’s just say that being drawn on would probably be the least invasive thing to happen to poor old Plato.

2. Good luck managing a classroom.

Pretty much every teacher agrees that a successful class comes down to how well you manage it. Plato may have all the knowledge in the universe, but can it calculate a seating chart that keeps the two chatterboxes separate? And what exactly will prevent students from just, you know, getting up and walking out of the classroom? Will Plato be equipped with some RoboCop upgrades to keep kids in their seats, because that’s about what it’ll take to get this generation of students in line. Actually, can human teachers get some RoboCop upgrades? Asking for a friend.

3. Have fun relating to the mind of a middle school student.

Anyone who has ever taught middle school knows they are a funky bunch (all apologies to Marky Mark). They are squirrely and often just plain weird. Will Plato be bothered by kids licking the walls or sticking crayons in their ears? Will Plato be able to assess the situation properly when a student who’s been leaning back in their chair all day finally tips over? Do you call the nurse or laugh out loud? These are the kinds of nuances that robots will have to pick up on.

4. Students will absolutely destroy this thing.

It is a time honored tradition for classes to do everything possible to frustrate, anger and flummox every teacher in their path. From shouting out stupidity, to throwing wads of paper (or worse), there are myriad ways to drive a teacher nuts. A robot teacher? Well that is a challenge that every class clown from sea to shining sea will take on with gusto. Have you seen how Plato walks? Students are going to knock this thing over 50 times a day easy. And when it’s on its back like a helpless turtle, do you know what happens next? Chaos. Chaos happens next. And the chaos will continue until the final bell rings.

5. Now teach 30 kids at 30 different levels.

I’m with the use of AI, any old robot can quickly spit out the world’s most beautiful lesson plan full of differentiation, scaffolding, and enough buzzwords to make any administration swoon. But what about executing them? Is Plato prepared for 7 students to not understand the directions, 4 students to be facing the wrong way, 8 students that have already moved on to the next lesson 3 students that are sleeping and 9 that are having their own private conversation in the back of the class and have no idea what’s going on? That CPU will short out by 2nd period!

6. Wait until the first fire drill.

Managing a class during a fire drill is an art form. You need to get to the door first before students wander off, make sure everyone actually leaves the classroom together, then run back up to the front of the line to lead them where they need to go. Because no matter how many fire drills you do, no one ever seems to know where to go… ever.

7. Now try showing empathy.

Politicians love coming up with ways to make teachers obsolete. Hmm, it’s probably not a good sign that our leaders are anti-education… but I digress. They, for some reason, think teachers just stand in front of kids and spew information for 7 hours straight. Well of course any robot could be programmed to do that. But what happens when a middle schooler bursts into tears for no reason, or a kindergartner bursts into tears for no reason, or a high school senior bursts into… well you get the idea. Plato may know the meaning of empathy but dispensing it is something else entirely. Plato is going to have a rough time comforting our kids unless they’re Temple Grandin. (That’s a deep cut, but I promise the joke works.) Besides, who doesn’t love being repeatedly tapped on the shoulders by a cold plastic arm? Feel the warmth!

8. Try keeping up with student slang.

It is no easy task trying to figure out what kids are saying these days. The slang is ever-evolving and somehow changing faster and faster every year. What was once skibbidi has become rather Ohio. Those who once were sigma level now have rizz. Trying to keep up with it all sends even seasoned teachers into a state of occasional panic (it also sends us scurrying for Google to look it up.) Do you want to be mewing? Are kids making fun of you if they say you ate and left no crumbs? I’m sure Plato will have no trouble parsing out all those hidden meanings… cap. 

9. And what happens when students use AI?

Recently teachers have been trying to figure out a way to keep students from using AI to solve their math problems, write their essays, and basically do all their work for them. So what will AI do when it’s the one doing the teaching (and grading)? Will our AI overlords be pleased that the students are using it to do their assignments? Or will AI use AI to determine that AI was used and be upset that students didn’t do their own work? Can a robot even get upset if a student uses that robot to complete robot-assigned material? Good lord I need a nap!

10. Teachers hear the weirdest questions… now imagine a robot.

Having access to all the answers to all the questions may be cool and all, but elementary students aren’t really interested in all of that. They want answers to the most important of questions like “What’s your 3rd favorite reptile?” and “If trees could fly, where would they go?” Let’s see our new robot overlords handle those questions a million times a day. Keeping in mind of course that regardless of what your answer is, there will be three to five follow ups.

11. Teaching never goes as planned.

 If you watched the video of that creepy thing walking down the hallway at the White House (the robot, not the First Lady) you’ll notice it wasn’t exactly light on its feet. Well, that is one skill teachers master very early on. Are kids squirming in their seats? Time for a brain break! Has the class decided to tune you out? Pop quiz! Getting through a school day is like performing a 7 hour ballet where the music keeps changing and you’re wearing Uggs. Robots are built to stick to the plan and that is a recipe for disaster. 

Add it all up and I have a feeling by the end of its first day on the job Plato will be begging to be turned into a laundry-bot or a cooking-droid, anything to keep it out of the classroom. Which is where it most certainly doesn’t belong in the first place.